Things I'll Never Say
by VishousDanvers
Summary: Brian's got a question he needs to answer, but can he say those words?


**__**

I love you

**_You're the only reason I get up in the morning._**

"Brian, when did you know?" Justin asks me from the kitchen.

"When did I know what?" As I ask, I turn on the couch to glance back at him.

He looks up from the popcorn and smiles at me with his perfect lips. A laugh escapes them as he continues, "When did you know you lo-um…could put up with me?"

I turn back to face the TV and our paused movie.

**_He's the only reason I get up in the morning…_**

* * *

"Dad!" Gus yells and waves his arms as he gets off his flight from New York.

"Sonny boy!" I smile as he meets me on the platform and gives me one of his wonderful '_I-missed-you-so-much-daddy!' _hugs that he perfected when he was a boy. They have to be the only nice thing about him living so far away.

"Gussy, how have you been?" I ask as I pull out of Pitts international.

"Hmmm…really good dad..." he says and looks down at his hands. "Dad…How did you know?"

"How did I know what?" I ask as I glance at him.

"How did you know he was the one for you? Was it like BAM! It's Justin! or…"

**_I wait impatiently by the phone waiting for your call. I need to tell you all about my day but then when the phone finally rings and I answer, I get to caught up in your voice and forget what I wanted to say. _**

* * *

"I don't know…" the picture on the screen disappears and I'm left with the stupid screen saver with the black background and the word DVD bouncing around and changing colours.

"Brian. Come on. When was it clear that you didn't have to be with other men? When was I enough? When was being with _me_ enough?" he's standing beside me now, buttered popcorn in hand.

"Do you know how bad that shit is for you?" I ask and gesture to the popcorn with the remote.

I push play and our movie starts up again.

Justin sighs.

"Its just popcorn Bri, it won't kill you" I hear him saying, disappointed, as he sits down beside me.

**_Nothing I could have done today matters because it wasn't with you _**

I slide my arm around his shoulders and pull him into my chest.

When could _I_ put up with cuddling? When _was_ I willing to give up sex with beautiful men to _cuddle_ with Justin?

* * *

"Why do you ask sonny boy?"

"Well I think I've found him. My Justin." At this I look over at him again and it's the happiest I've seen him in a long time. He's still looking at his hands but he doesn't seem as nervous as he did a minute ago.

His eyes are half closed and he has this smile on his face that I've only ever seen on Justin…no…not just Justin….

"Well, I mean, I've met someone I care about more than anyone…and that cares for me despite my flaws and shit…" he stammers and blushes which makes me smile.

"Just so I'm clear, his name isn't Justin right?" I ask which makes him give me _the look_. We both laugh and I go back to focusing on the road and he goes back to making that face, with that smile…

I've seen that smile on Justin many times…but I've seen it on me…well I've felt it anyway…when I'm with Justin. _My_ Justin.

* * *

**_I new I cared for you, in my own way the night we met_**

**_I new you cared for me when you named my son_**

**_I new you were infatuated with me when you wouldn't leave my side_**

**_I new it was more then just sex when I was willing to go to prom for you_**

**_And it was clear that I loved you when I thought I'd lost you_**

* * *

As the movie finishes I look at the man I love more than anything in this world and he looks up at me with teary eyes.

"That was _such_ a good movie eh Bri? Bri? What? Why are you staring at me?" he giggles.

"Your such a pussy," I shake my head, "I'm going in for a shower. There's a note on the table that Gussy told me to give to you, you should read it before it disappears. Falling under the table, kicked under the couch and lost until the internet gets cut off. Alas such is the life of all bills and important papers with _you_ around," I fake a sigh and smile as I start undoing the buttons on my shirt and saunter off.

"You have no proof that was my fault!" He yells back at me so I throw my discarded top at him, to which I am rewarded with a muffled _"Prick!"_

And on that note I head for the shower. When I finish I come back out to the entertainment area to see Justin sitting on the couch, tears streaming from his beautiful eyes. At first I get worried and start striding closer to him but then I see his smile, and how happy he looks. When he looks up at me it hits me.

I feel like I'm worth so much more than anything I could imagine. So much more than I've been told I'm worth my whole life.

I feel like I would never have to prove that I was worthy of love again, and best of all I feel like I'm loved.

"Oh Brian! I love you more than anything" he cries as he runs over to me. He flings his arms around my neck and I feel so happy and safe and…if a little bit confused.

He pulls me into the bedroom and on our way he drops the note Gussy wrote for him in the car.

A fleeting thought passes through my head that there is a crumpled piece of paper with his letter…but I forget about everything when Justin whispers something in my ear that makes me smile and makes my tongue dart out over my suddenly dry lips.

* * *

I scowl as I notice that I'm almost out of gas. I pull into a station and get out of the car.

"One sec," I say as I unbuckle and open my door.

"Dad, do you have a pen? I want to write Justin a note to tell him the good news but I only have paper" He asks as he holds up a sheet and an envelope. I frown.

"Why write a note? He'll be home right after us"

"Cause I can't stay. I have to go over to moms and make sure everything's ready. What if _he_ shows up and I'm not there!? And they _talk_ to him!? 'Sides I want Justin to know the good news," he finishes with a silent _"Obviously dad" eye roll._

"Riiiiiight. There should be a pen or something in the glove compartment." I roll my eyes back at him and shut the door. At least it's no mystery as to where he gets it from.

* * *

_Dear Justin, _

_How have you been? It's been so long! Sorry that I can't be there right now but I have to go see mom and make sure all our plans are in order. I'm moving back! And I've met someone, and he's moving back with me! You'll get to meet him soon I promise! And I'll call later._

_Love Gus_

_Ps. I found this in dads car…it has your name on it so I would assume it's for you. It was kinda crumpled up and hidden in the glove compartment but I felt as though you should still have it, just don't tell dad or were both fucked!_

* * *

**_Justin,_**

**_I don't know why but the words just wont come so hears something I hope will help you understand what you do to me_**

**_I love you. _**

**_You're the only reason I get up in the morning. _**

**_When you were in New York I would wait impatiently by the phone waiting for your call. I found that I needed to tell you all about my day but then when the phone finally rang and I answered it, I got to caught up in your voice and forgot what I wanted to say. Nothing I did when you were gone matters because it wasn't with you._**

**_Justin, I love you_**

**_B. Kinney_**

**_I now know you'll never read this letter, I've tried to give it to you about a dozen times but…it's NOT me. I know some day I'll be able to tell you in a way that befits our relationship, Fuck me, when did I start calling it that? I hope you can wait that long…and I hope you can understand, at least a little about how I feel through the things I do. Though they're smaller than you would like, perhaps someday…someday they'll be enough_**

**_I love you Sunshine, You take my breath away_**

**_B. Kinney_**

* * *

I start drifting off with Justin lying soundly on my chest. I look down at him with lidded eyes and before I know it I'm gently moving some of his hair that's plastered to his forehead with sweat. I now love the after glow of sex, our bodies slowly cooling off, the sweat drying on our sensitive skin, the pull of a deep sleep, the promise that when I wake up, I won't be alone.

I close me eyes and am moments away from drifting off when Justin sighs and murmurs softly against my chest.

"I love you Brian"

I tense a fraction, as I do nowadays whenever he says it. I know he wants me to say it back but I can't yet. I hold him a bit tighter and he happily sighs again.

He's sleeping.

Dreaming.

Perhaps of us…or the movie…or Gussy…something good….maybe in his dream I reply to him with the three words I may never say…

I loosen my grip to get more comfortable and he tightens his. I smile and close my eyes again.

"I know" I whisper in the dark so low that even if he were awake I doubt he'd hear me.

"I know"

~Fin~


End file.
